I never truly understood the meaning of longing until i left a place that felt like home. The green grass , the blue sky, the smiles of their people now seems like a dream and i dont want to wake up. Id pay for a time machine, the rest of my age, just to go back to 2018, Volgograd.
N I S A ∀ A Z I Z
Love from 25 years old me
"why do you love him?"
i hope i can see u soon love.
I always find myself struggling to answer this, in every relationship i've ever been; there seems to be no answer to this particular question. And if i ask you the same question, what will your answer be?
"Idk, the heart wants what it wants" and thats my scheme answer, you can use mine if you dont have one.
Yes i have a long list of what i want in a guy, and i thought i was sure about it, but everything in the list keep changing, first it was good guy, until they seem boring, then cool guy sat the highest until they become annoying, and handsome guy caught my eyes until i figured they were just playing, and i always believed i want to marry rich, until the riches don't excite me anymore.
And the funny thing is im always finding myself getting in a relationship with a guy that doesnt check most of the boxes. And i cant fit any of my exes into any definite categories.
Im not a peculiar woman, after all my exes are just ordinary people if u think im trying to shoot for the moon.
i thought about this a lot, too much at one point of my life, until i convinced myself maybe im not into guy, u see it takes a whole lot of confusion to convince yourself into something that ure not.
my friend said im as free as a bird, at first i dont get it, but until i realised i hate being in cage; so i convinced myself maybe i was not built to be in a relationship, maybe i'll be happier alone, not being tied to anyone until the loneliness kick u hard in your left kidney, your right kidney feel the pain too.
im hopeless, hopeless romantic, as much as i hate it, i cant help it. i always wish i have a cold heart, so i acted like having one, being stone cold is hard when yours is made from a thin glass. i know a hopeless romantic cant survived in todays world, so i acted like i dont feel anything and cry during the night, withdrew myself first in every relationship when i see even a slightest possible threat, and then convinced myself i did me a favor from being in a relationship that i will regrets or maybe for just being a fucking cowards. idk you tell me.
my friend said im as free as a bird, at first i dont get it, but until i realised i hate being in cage; so i convinced myself maybe i was not built to be in a relationship, maybe i'll be happier alone, not being tied to anyone until the loneliness kick u hard in your left kidney, your right kidney feel the pain too.
im hopeless, hopeless romantic, as much as i hate it, i cant help it. i always wish i have a cold heart, so i acted like having one, being stone cold is hard when yours is made from a thin glass. i know a hopeless romantic cant survived in todays world, so i acted like i dont feel anything and cry during the night, withdrew myself first in every relationship when i see even a slightest possible threat, and then convinced myself i did me a favor from being in a relationship that i will regrets or maybe for just being a fucking cowards. idk you tell me.
after a series of failed relationships and a string of exes, i think i have become a wiser 25 years old with different perception of love, i think i found an answer.
I look back at my past relationships, and i realised, its never about who or how he is, but its always about how he makes you feel; safe, happy, secured, makes me feel more like a woman, it ll be good too if he can make me hate myself less and make me want to be the best version of myself;
or maybe the right word is wholesome.
to make me feel wholesome again.
i still want to believe that one fine day, i will, surely, meet the one who was rightly my soulmate from the beginning.
or maybe the right word is wholesome.
to make me feel wholesome again.
i still want to believe that one fine day, i will, surely, meet the one who was rightly my soulmate from the beginning.
i hope i can see u soon love.
White dream
I want to write to you so badly, but i know you dont want to hear anything.
And you dont have to.
But to be honest, i still think of you, a healthy amount, and to be completely honest i think i am finally slowly moving on closing our chapters, because when i look at our photographs or the thought of you; it didnt really makes me sad anymore; almost like i dont feel anything anymore.
And everytime it happens i feel so happy that my heart finally wants to let go, i feel so much more in peace with myself.
But love, last night you visited me in my dream.
Why?
Why you have to do this to me?
I ve never realised how badly i miss you until I saw u in my dream.
It was so vivid that it hurts.
The familiar feelings of being by your side, everything just feel like; how I remember it was and i miss that, so badly.
I woke up to beautiful virgin snow outside as if mother nature knows i had a beautiful dream; so beautiful that i dont even want to wake up.
But i know this doesnt means anything. It just like a little spark to ignite everything but everything is underwater.
Im moving on and im glad that now im accepting the reality.
And you dont have to.
But to be honest, i still think of you, a healthy amount, and to be completely honest i think i am finally slowly moving on closing our chapters, because when i look at our photographs or the thought of you; it didnt really makes me sad anymore; almost like i dont feel anything anymore.
And everytime it happens i feel so happy that my heart finally wants to let go, i feel so much more in peace with myself.
But love, last night you visited me in my dream.
Why?
Why you have to do this to me?
I ve never realised how badly i miss you until I saw u in my dream.
It was so vivid that it hurts.
The familiar feelings of being by your side, everything just feel like; how I remember it was and i miss that, so badly.
I woke up to beautiful virgin snow outside as if mother nature knows i had a beautiful dream; so beautiful that i dont even want to wake up.
But i know this doesnt means anything. It just like a little spark to ignite everything but everything is underwater.
Im moving on and im glad that now im accepting the reality.
Cipher
Id say you’re the luckiest bastard in my world.
But my world is nonexistent to you as you are to me now.
So that translate to nothing in real world.
But my world is nonexistent to you as you are to me now.
So that translate to nothing in real world.
Ending
Im not sad, but im not necessarily happy. It just when nothing in life excites you anymore, you start hoping for the end to come sooner.
Drowning
I have a thought i want to die before my next heartbreak. And before I realised it, my heart breaks again and im still breathing air and that familiar feeling of pain, doubting my self worth and the feeling of losing everything im holding on to.
I want to drown myself and live among the corals.
I want to drown myself and live among the corals.
Sadness
I guess sadness have different level of transparency, the most opaque one makes you think of suicidal thoughts, i dont know until what figures it will stretch to make you actually do the thing that you think could fix everything- taking yourself completely out of the pictures. but then you see your mother crying at your funeral and it breaks your heart to let her cry and you wasnt there anymore to comfort her, that it's not her fault and that you love her so much please dont cry.
the less opaque makes you feel numb, i dont know if this is better than the sadness that make you cry, but i have this simple theory; the acute one makes you cry and the chronic makes you feel numb.
The lower intensity makes you do things, anything that will distract yourself from thinking of your thing that makes you sad, like watching sad movies so that you'll realised there's more sadder things than what you're going through. I love been in this state, it's a perfect state to be in.
But we all cannot control our sadness. i'm just hoping that if ever, my funeral comes before my mother's, i dont want her to cry because of me, taking my own life.
Selfish
I thought she was being selfish, I thought i need this more than her, but we were both hurting,we were both affected.
And i didn’t realised i was being selfish, i just, i dont know she’s hurting too. I dont know she’s crying for help too.
Im sorry.
And i didn’t realised i was being selfish, i just, i dont know she’s hurting too. I dont know she’s crying for help too.
Im sorry.
Lost
Im always wondering, how's your life now? Here is the confession, I’m still checking on you, now and then, just to see how are you doing, post-us, but dont worry, im all moved on, i had no feeling towards u anymore, no remorse. I just want to see how is your life after me, you seem happy with your life, things are looking great and i'm so jealous, because mine aren’t, when i think i hit the lowest bottom, things are just keep getting worse. I tried to run away from your shadow,but i keep getting into darker places, more shadows are chasing me. And now i think im lost.
Im too tired to keep running, i think i'll just stay in this pitch black pit.
Im too tired to keep running, i think i'll just stay in this pitch black pit.
The way you look at me
If you ask me to list what i like about you; the way you look at me would be in the list.
I love you.
I love you.
Becoming stranger
I still remember the first time our eyes met, really so clearly. And its not long after that I got to see you for the last time, that brief moments, i act so calmly, but it was a hurricane of sadness inside to see you as a stranger again.
We started as strangers in the park, grow into whatever you think our relationship is and now we're back into being just another strangers in the park again.
I will let myself forget you eventually, surely.
When one fine day i finally meet the man that you will never be and you meet the girl, that all of the things i can't be. I hope everything is great with you.
We started as strangers in the park, grow into whatever you think our relationship is and now we're back into being just another strangers in the park again.
I will let myself forget you eventually, surely.
When one fine day i finally meet the man that you will never be and you meet the girl, that all of the things i can't be. I hope everything is great with you.
Transparent thought
Currently im reading this novel, it is a 500 pages novel, and im reading it painfully slow. It has been 3 days since i started and i can barely make it to one fifth of the book.
I am a slow reader to begin with because i need to imagine every sentence into a small scene in my head, but the writer make it harder for me to create those scenes , because the writing is sort of ambiguous, ugh im sure there is better adjective but I couldn't think of anything better than ambiguous , and lot of times, i need to recreate the previous scene so it will transition smoothly to the next scene, i bet u dont get it dont you, because im a bad storyteller just like the writer of this novel, i cant help myself getting angry of this ambigous way of this author ‘s writing when reading the novel but at the same time it makes me think about the same abnoxious feeling people get just to have to communicate with me.
Actually ive been told few times that im bad at communicating, one of my friend said I explaining stuff as if my thoughts are not transparent. I am unaware of this untill people pointed it out to me. And now i really make sure people can see my thought as clear as day. This sounds ambiguous right, i know, i guess i will never settled with this thought of transparent thoughts.
I am a slow reader to begin with because i need to imagine every sentence into a small scene in my head, but the writer make it harder for me to create those scenes , because the writing is sort of ambiguous, ugh im sure there is better adjective but I couldn't think of anything better than ambiguous , and lot of times, i need to recreate the previous scene so it will transition smoothly to the next scene, i bet u dont get it dont you, because im a bad storyteller just like the writer of this novel, i cant help myself getting angry of this ambigous way of this author ‘s writing when reading the novel but at the same time it makes me think about the same abnoxious feeling people get just to have to communicate with me.
Actually ive been told few times that im bad at communicating, one of my friend said I explaining stuff as if my thoughts are not transparent. I am unaware of this untill people pointed it out to me. And now i really make sure people can see my thought as clear as day. This sounds ambiguous right, i know, i guess i will never settled with this thought of transparent thoughts.
Distraction.
I read the same sentence, for the 5th times, it was a simple sentence but non of it get into my brain. My brain was busy - destroying me, i tried to distract myself from thinking stuff i dont want to; things that make me sad, but my brain decided to keep the disturbing memories on repeat. So, when i read the simple sentence, it sounds as foreign as all that i saw and heard is the memories i don't want to remember. The memories; is not as awful as you would think, but i am weak, even little things can break me to pieces.
I know the posts in this blog sounds melancholic, but sadness makes me write , so i guess that explains everything.
I know the posts in this blog sounds melancholic, but sadness makes me write , so i guess that explains everything.
Mediums
I wish i can paint my story with words, but i figured out words is not my strong mediums. i used to convey my feelings through my drawings, but lately my feeling speaks more than it supposed to feel, that i cant translate it into drawing.
Karma didn't forget
I want to tell you a story, but im not a good storyteller.
About my friends who i saw before my very eyes that karma are eating them alive.
I used to hope for it to happen but it was years ago, and time heals everything, now the flames are all gone, but karma didnt forget, that they need a lesson, but im afraid they never learn, because now, they about to start another one.
So, i learnt not to wish them another karma but i wish for their heart not to be blind and for their mind not to be clouded by the jealousy, im not a threat nor their enemy.
About my friends who i saw before my very eyes that karma are eating them alive.
I used to hope for it to happen but it was years ago, and time heals everything, now the flames are all gone, but karma didnt forget, that they need a lesson, but im afraid they never learn, because now, they about to start another one.
So, i learnt not to wish them another karma but i wish for their heart not to be blind and for their mind not to be clouded by the jealousy, im not a threat nor their enemy.
The thought.
"My dad.." she continued, they are taking invisible turn to tell story about whats our parents like when videocalling. "My dad before i could asked him anything, the fon would be at my mom" she laughed wholeheartedly and we all too.
"My dad too" Another girl said.
"Mine too" and another,, everyone in the rooms seems to agree- that dad hardly spoke with them, and its the mom who is always on the phone.
"Not my dad" i heard a voice in my mind. Yes dad was different, he could chat with us all day long. And i would tell him how was snow, how cold it was surviving the winter season and even, i would tell him about what I have learned in school. Perhaps. But nobody knows.
I want to say it out loud, "not my dad" but i am afraid I will ruin the mood, also, i avoid telling people about my dad, because i dont want people to think i try to fish their sympathy. So i kept quiet.
I kept quiet but in my mind, im busy thinking what its like, if he is still alive. Maybe i can join them then, excitedly telling whts my dads like. Im not sad, i think i need to tell you that. The thought of my dad sometimes makes me sad, but not that day.
then, this girl came from the kitchen, she has lost both her prents, i knew she heard everything all along as the kitchen is connected with the room we're sitting , but she also kept quiet. Listening to others' story and laugh along, i dont know whtas in her mind, did she feel sad? Did she also busy thinking like me?
May my dad and the girl's parent rest in peace.
"My dad too" Another girl said.
"Mine too" and another,, everyone in the rooms seems to agree- that dad hardly spoke with them, and its the mom who is always on the phone.
"Not my dad" i heard a voice in my mind. Yes dad was different, he could chat with us all day long. And i would tell him how was snow, how cold it was surviving the winter season and even, i would tell him about what I have learned in school. Perhaps. But nobody knows.
I want to say it out loud, "not my dad" but i am afraid I will ruin the mood, also, i avoid telling people about my dad, because i dont want people to think i try to fish their sympathy. So i kept quiet.
I kept quiet but in my mind, im busy thinking what its like, if he is still alive. Maybe i can join them then, excitedly telling whts my dads like. Im not sad, i think i need to tell you that. The thought of my dad sometimes makes me sad, but not that day.
then, this girl came from the kitchen, she has lost both her prents, i knew she heard everything all along as the kitchen is connected with the room we're sitting , but she also kept quiet. Listening to others' story and laugh along, i dont know whtas in her mind, did she feel sad? Did she also busy thinking like me?
May my dad and the girl's parent rest in peace.
My dad on his last days.
I love my dad.
and i am not the best daughter, he deserved better.
It makes me wonder, what has he done wrong, to have a me as his daughter.
I caused him so much trouble, since i was his little baby, till i grew up being an emotionally wrecked teen. Im always the difficult child in the family, well he said that to me once - that im the difficult child. Of course, it hurts my feeling, but thinking about it now, it hurts differently.
"Am i not enough for you?" he asked me one day.
And you know how it felt? Like a thousand knives stabbing me in the heart thousand times. What was im thinking?
I still remember the very last night of his life, that night before god take him forever, he called me.
"hello?" i still can remember his voice.
"hello, why did you call?" i asked as worries rush down my veins; because he never really call unless there was something bad happened.
"nothing, how are you?" he answered calmly; washing down all my worries.
"im good, you?'' my mind started wondering what made him call me, but later did i know that was the last time i will ever heard his voice.
On the last week of his life, mom was admitted to hosp because of the reason i can't remember.
So that weekend, dad fetched me from tati and usually mom would tag along, but she couldnt, she was warded, and probably god giving me chance to have our last father-daughter time, because usually we always arguing, but the last long ride i had with him we had a nice long conversations through out the 78miles journey.
Tbh, I miss that moment.
Since i was small, apart from being the difficult one, im also the curious one, always asking lots of (probably) stupid questions,but for every single questions, although he may be just an ambulance driver, he always had the answers to all my questions, untill i grew up, the questions get tougher and i become more of an asshole asking him questions knowing it way out of his knowledge. I hate myself.
That last weekend, we spent quite plenty of father-daughters times along with my youngest sister, i remembered vividly the places we went; he took us to hardware store, i wouldn't called it hardware store as it sell everything you can think of, but it was, a hardware store, at least that was what written on the shop signage, i remembered buying this cheap pair of white socks with pink polka dots motif and only to realised it was mismatch on the way home, dad only laughed off my disappointment of the socks. that was the moment i realised our relationships are getting better.
im not a good daughter like my older sister. She always the obedient one, all the thing she did she will always thinks about dad and mom first, always seeks their permission first. One of many reasons why i really look up to her. And to be honest, i secretly jealous of her relationships with dad but i understand it now, she deserves all the love.
And that last weekend we spent together, i remember, i feel so content inside, because i can finally appreciating what i have taken for granted - my relationship with my dad.
The last weekend with him, he took all of us siblings to our favourite restaurant by the beach for some tempuras, the restaurant was near the airport. On the way home, dad stopped on the roadside by the airport, to just watch a flight took off .He shut off the engine, and got out from the car, my youngest sisters followed, i hate myself but i remember being grumpy and just want to stay inside the car because i want to quickly go home for whatever stupid reason i cant recall, but later did i know that was him "sending me" because when the actual time comes he knew he couldnt be there.
"Fini, look at that flight take off, when knis will be flying to russia, shes gona sit in there" i heard him talking to my youngest sister. My heart ached with regrets.
And to not have him on the day i flew and to be grumpy on the day that he "sent" me, it was just so hurtful.
And as the memories flashed in my mind, i sat in the flight, getting ready to take off , tried my best to hold up my tears. But when i looked below i can "saw" him waving on the roadside by the airport.
A week after, i dreamt of him, sending me to russia, he was in the airport, along with others. i remembered not seeing him long , and i remembered i miss him, he hugs me, tight, as i can tell he miss me too and that dream i swear felt so real.
I remeberd on his last days, he tried to give us everything we wanted, yes i noticed the first was the motorcycle, i told him that our hostel (in tati, during our preparation course) are so far from th campus, and how i wish i can just ride a motorcycle to class instead of walking, and that weekend when sending me back to tati, he stop by his brother's place, asked his brother to lend him the motorcycle for me, and he rode all the way from dungun to kemaman, and i remembered my older sister tearing up seeing my dad through the windows car.
Dad maybe not rich, but he make sure he did what he can for his children's happiness. My siblings and i very much aware that our parents cannot afford lots of thing, but being an ungrateful selfish difficult child, i rememberd asking to join a trip to gunung kinabalu, the fees was rm1000. for you it may be just a little sum but for us that is a lot, but dad agreed to let me go because the trip fall on the same date as my birthday.
But then, one day, i remembrd watching tv with my dad, a show where they go and review nicest restaurants in thecity, and that episode happened to shoot in kuala kinabalu, the restaurant they went was fancy and explained the pricey food.
" So, when you went to kk, i dont give you enough pocket money dont i?" my dad asked, i fall deep in my thought of partly blaming myself and partly trying not to, that moment i realised how selfish i was, for ever asking for th trip and for making my dad felt and think such way.
"no, you gave me just enough" i smiled, i love you dad, that maybe the best birthday present ever. i said, in my heart.
i remebered my days at tati, the start of the smartphone era, my roommate had an ipad, that was the first ipad gen, she was really nice to let us play game and do stuff on her ipad, i was really amazed on how smart and convenient ipad was at that time as so,that weekend when i came home, i decided to check the price on the website, rm 2000?
i didnt realised dad was looking from the back, "what are you looking for?"he asked.
i startled and closed the browser, "no" i smiled, i know he cant afford it and i was matured enough to understand and not being as selfish as i was before. But i still can see the same dissapointment he has for himself for cannot buying his children wealth.
But after he gone, i can finally solved the puzzle and understand how my dad tried to fulfill all our wishes before he go forever, at least allah give he chances, he tried his best while he still got his time to make his children happy.
On that fateful day,
i noticed a miscalled from my mom, so i tried to call back but no one answer.
then, i called my dad, when he didnt pick up his phone, i just had an insticnt something wrong happened.
few minutes later, my uncle called me on the phone.
"hello knis, pack your things i pick u up in 30 mins'' he said.
"why?" i asked as my limbs starts to get cold, chills running down my spine.
''your dad accident... he passed away" i lost in my own world as every single memories with my dad start flashing before my eyes and tears streaming down my cheeks and i didnt realised when i started crying loudly on the floor.
i know he take half of my heart away with him.
*************************
Being a doctor was never my aspiration. But my dad is the reason why i chose this difficult career.
I still remember so clearly that one time, my family and i went out for a dinner at our favourite restaurant, dad take out his cigarette and pull his chair away from us. That was something he's so particular about, to never let his cigarette smoke reach our lungs. He light up the cigarette.
A month before, he had an infarction and was diagnosed with heart disease. The doctor said he need to go under artery bypass surgery and to stop smoking. As a difficult child who also love his dad, i always, argue with my dad, about smoking, my sister didnt like it, she said i was being rude, maybe i was.
"Dad, you've been diagnosed with heart disease and still have the heart to smoke?" i blurt.
and his answer that night was the reason i didnt quit medschool.
" its okay, i will have my own personal doctor soon" he smiled and look at me. I can see hope in his eyes.
And everytime i feel so tired of med school, everytime i close my eyes to cry, i see the same hope in his eyes and thats what keep me going.
ayah k.nis minta maaf, knis tau knis banyak bebankan ayah, knis tau knis x berjaya jdi anak solehah, knis minta maaf. k.nis sayang ayah.
and i am not the best daughter, he deserved better.
It makes me wonder, what has he done wrong, to have a me as his daughter.
I caused him so much trouble, since i was his little baby, till i grew up being an emotionally wrecked teen. Im always the difficult child in the family, well he said that to me once - that im the difficult child. Of course, it hurts my feeling, but thinking about it now, it hurts differently.
"Am i not enough for you?" he asked me one day.
And you know how it felt? Like a thousand knives stabbing me in the heart thousand times. What was im thinking?
I still remember the very last night of his life, that night before god take him forever, he called me.
"hello?" i still can remember his voice.
"hello, why did you call?" i asked as worries rush down my veins; because he never really call unless there was something bad happened.
"nothing, how are you?" he answered calmly; washing down all my worries.
"im good, you?'' my mind started wondering what made him call me, but later did i know that was the last time i will ever heard his voice.
On the last week of his life, mom was admitted to hosp because of the reason i can't remember.
So that weekend, dad fetched me from tati and usually mom would tag along, but she couldnt, she was warded, and probably god giving me chance to have our last father-daughter time, because usually we always arguing, but the last long ride i had with him we had a nice long conversations through out the 78miles journey.
Tbh, I miss that moment.
Since i was small, apart from being the difficult one, im also the curious one, always asking lots of (probably) stupid questions,but for every single questions, although he may be just an ambulance driver, he always had the answers to all my questions, untill i grew up, the questions get tougher and i become more of an asshole asking him questions knowing it way out of his knowledge. I hate myself.
That last weekend, we spent quite plenty of father-daughters times along with my youngest sister, i remembered vividly the places we went; he took us to hardware store, i wouldn't called it hardware store as it sell everything you can think of, but it was, a hardware store, at least that was what written on the shop signage, i remembered buying this cheap pair of white socks with pink polka dots motif and only to realised it was mismatch on the way home, dad only laughed off my disappointment of the socks. that was the moment i realised our relationships are getting better.
im not a good daughter like my older sister. She always the obedient one, all the thing she did she will always thinks about dad and mom first, always seeks their permission first. One of many reasons why i really look up to her. And to be honest, i secretly jealous of her relationships with dad but i understand it now, she deserves all the love.
And that last weekend we spent together, i remember, i feel so content inside, because i can finally appreciating what i have taken for granted - my relationship with my dad.
The last weekend with him, he took all of us siblings to our favourite restaurant by the beach for some tempuras, the restaurant was near the airport. On the way home, dad stopped on the roadside by the airport, to just watch a flight took off .He shut off the engine, and got out from the car, my youngest sisters followed, i hate myself but i remember being grumpy and just want to stay inside the car because i want to quickly go home for whatever stupid reason i cant recall, but later did i know that was him "sending me" because when the actual time comes he knew he couldnt be there.
"Fini, look at that flight take off, when knis will be flying to russia, shes gona sit in there" i heard him talking to my youngest sister. My heart ached with regrets.
And to not have him on the day i flew and to be grumpy on the day that he "sent" me, it was just so hurtful.
And as the memories flashed in my mind, i sat in the flight, getting ready to take off , tried my best to hold up my tears. But when i looked below i can "saw" him waving on the roadside by the airport.
A week after, i dreamt of him, sending me to russia, he was in the airport, along with others. i remembered not seeing him long , and i remembered i miss him, he hugs me, tight, as i can tell he miss me too and that dream i swear felt so real.
I remeberd on his last days, he tried to give us everything we wanted, yes i noticed the first was the motorcycle, i told him that our hostel (in tati, during our preparation course) are so far from th campus, and how i wish i can just ride a motorcycle to class instead of walking, and that weekend when sending me back to tati, he stop by his brother's place, asked his brother to lend him the motorcycle for me, and he rode all the way from dungun to kemaman, and i remembered my older sister tearing up seeing my dad through the windows car.
Dad maybe not rich, but he make sure he did what he can for his children's happiness. My siblings and i very much aware that our parents cannot afford lots of thing, but being an ungrateful selfish difficult child, i rememberd asking to join a trip to gunung kinabalu, the fees was rm1000. for you it may be just a little sum but for us that is a lot, but dad agreed to let me go because the trip fall on the same date as my birthday.
But then, one day, i remembrd watching tv with my dad, a show where they go and review nicest restaurants in thecity, and that episode happened to shoot in kuala kinabalu, the restaurant they went was fancy and explained the pricey food.
" So, when you went to kk, i dont give you enough pocket money dont i?" my dad asked, i fall deep in my thought of partly blaming myself and partly trying not to, that moment i realised how selfish i was, for ever asking for th trip and for making my dad felt and think such way.
"no, you gave me just enough" i smiled, i love you dad, that maybe the best birthday present ever. i said, in my heart.
i remebered my days at tati, the start of the smartphone era, my roommate had an ipad, that was the first ipad gen, she was really nice to let us play game and do stuff on her ipad, i was really amazed on how smart and convenient ipad was at that time as so,that weekend when i came home, i decided to check the price on the website, rm 2000?
i didnt realised dad was looking from the back, "what are you looking for?"he asked.
i startled and closed the browser, "no" i smiled, i know he cant afford it and i was matured enough to understand and not being as selfish as i was before. But i still can see the same dissapointment he has for himself for cannot buying his children wealth.
But after he gone, i can finally solved the puzzle and understand how my dad tried to fulfill all our wishes before he go forever, at least allah give he chances, he tried his best while he still got his time to make his children happy.
On that fateful day,
i noticed a miscalled from my mom, so i tried to call back but no one answer.
then, i called my dad, when he didnt pick up his phone, i just had an insticnt something wrong happened.
few minutes later, my uncle called me on the phone.
"hello knis, pack your things i pick u up in 30 mins'' he said.
"why?" i asked as my limbs starts to get cold, chills running down my spine.
''your dad accident... he passed away" i lost in my own world as every single memories with my dad start flashing before my eyes and tears streaming down my cheeks and i didnt realised when i started crying loudly on the floor.
i know he take half of my heart away with him.
*************************
Being a doctor was never my aspiration. But my dad is the reason why i chose this difficult career.
I still remember so clearly that one time, my family and i went out for a dinner at our favourite restaurant, dad take out his cigarette and pull his chair away from us. That was something he's so particular about, to never let his cigarette smoke reach our lungs. He light up the cigarette.
A month before, he had an infarction and was diagnosed with heart disease. The doctor said he need to go under artery bypass surgery and to stop smoking. As a difficult child who also love his dad, i always, argue with my dad, about smoking, my sister didnt like it, she said i was being rude, maybe i was.
"Dad, you've been diagnosed with heart disease and still have the heart to smoke?" i blurt.
and his answer that night was the reason i didnt quit medschool.
" its okay, i will have my own personal doctor soon" he smiled and look at me. I can see hope in his eyes.
And everytime i feel so tired of med school, everytime i close my eyes to cry, i see the same hope in his eyes and thats what keep me going.
ayah k.nis minta maaf, knis tau knis banyak bebankan ayah, knis tau knis x berjaya jdi anak solehah, knis minta maaf. k.nis sayang ayah.
Losing Someone.
What is the most hurtful way to lose someone you love?
which hurt the most, to lose them before you barely know them, or to lose them after years and years living with them?
I sympathised my friend who don't even get the chance to meet their parents, but when my dad leave me, after all this years, after all this memories, does this hurt more?
Which hurt the most, to lose someone all of sudden or to see them lying, counting days to end their life?
I saw both my grandpa's lying on the bed of hospital counting days, being all gloomy and sad because they know they dont have that much time, but when my dad leave us just like that, it does hurt more.
it kills me every time, memories of my late dad start flashing in my mind.
Im trying to be the best possible daughter ever, and i know im failing, but i will never give up, i will be that daughter that youre proud of one fine day.
May you rest in peace in heaven.
1963 - 2012.
Al-fatihah.
which hurt the most, to lose them before you barely know them, or to lose them after years and years living with them?
I sympathised my friend who don't even get the chance to meet their parents, but when my dad leave me, after all this years, after all this memories, does this hurt more?
Which hurt the most, to lose someone all of sudden or to see them lying, counting days to end their life?
I saw both my grandpa's lying on the bed of hospital counting days, being all gloomy and sad because they know they dont have that much time, but when my dad leave us just like that, it does hurt more.
it kills me every time, memories of my late dad start flashing in my mind.
Im trying to be the best possible daughter ever, and i know im failing, but i will never give up, i will be that daughter that youre proud of one fine day.
May you rest in peace in heaven.
Al-fatihah.
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