It hurts

"I really feel bad"

I stare at his text, my heart aching, my anxiety kicking, i can feel the blood rushing into my face, my limbs getting cold, my heart aching, my heart aching; yes i said it thrice because it hurts so much.
im waiting for another reply, praying so hard there will be another reply.

" He doesnt really feel bad, he just replying for the sake of replying. trust me, im a guy too" my friend break the silent. Tears running down my face, i feel bad for him to see me crying but i cant help myself because it hurts so much, it hurts so much.

I need to stop living in denial.  

I deserved to be happy too. 
So, goodbye love.

Dancing in the dark

I feel worthless.

I  start accepting that maybe i was not built to be loved.
Maybe i only worth an unrequited love.

Now, all i want to do are dancing in the dark, deep in the forest alone untill i get tired and fall asleep on the dried leaves never to wake up again.

Sadness

I guess sadness have different level of transparency, the most opaque one makes you think of suicidal thoughts, i dont know until what figures, sadness need to stretch it button to the left to make you actually do the thing that you think could fix everything- taking yourself completely out of the pictures. but then you see your mother crying in your funeral, it breaks your heart to let her cry and you wasnt there anymore to comfort her, that it's not her fault and that you love her so much please dont cry.

the less opaque makes you feel numb, i dont know if feeling numb is better than the sadness that make you cry, i guess acute sadness makes you cry and the chronic makes you feel numb.

The lower intensity makes you do things, anything that will distract yourself from thinking of your sadness, like watching sad movies so that you'll realised there's more sadder things than what you're going through. I love been in this state, it's a perfect state to be in. 

But we all cannot control our sadness. i'm just hoping that if ever, my funeral comes before my mother's, i dont want her  to cry because of me, taking my own life.

Selfish

I thought she was being selfish, I thought i need him the most, but we were both hurting,we were both affected.

And i didn’t realised  i was being selfish, i just, i dont know she’s hurting too.  I dont know she’s crying for help too.

Im sorry.

Lost

Im always wondering, how's your life now? Here is the confession, I still stalk you, now and then, just to check on you, how are you doing, but dont worry, im all moved on, no feeling, no remorse. I just want to see how is your life after me, you seem happy with your life, things are looking great with you, and i'm so jealous,  because mine are not, when i think i hit the lowest bottom, things getting worse and more complicated. When i tried to run away from your shadow, i keep getting into darker place, more shadows are chasing me. And now i think im lost.

Im too tired to keep running, i think i'll just stay in this pitch black pit. 

The way you look at me

If you ask me to list what i like about you; the way you look at me would be in the list.

I love you.

Becoming stranger

I still remember the first time our eyes met, really so clearly. And its not long after that I got to see you for the last time, that brief moments, i act so calmly, but it was a hurricane of sadness inside to see you as a stranger again.

We started as strangers in the park, grow into whatever you think our relationship is and now we're back into being just another strangers in the park again.

I will let myself forget you eventually, surely.
When one fine day i finally meet the man that you will never be and you meet the girl, that all of the things i can't be. I hope everything is great with  you.

Im the road not taken



it feels like dreaming,  it was both nightmare and sweet dream.

it feels like someone just drag me out of my daydream when im not ready to face reality, and yes, someone just did and im glad he did; a friend of mine and yours too. he made me understand that all of this times, I'm just too blind to see that you're not into me.
at first i was in denial, so i said to him;
 ''you've never been in my shoes,  you never  knew how he treats me; if it's true that he doesnt love me, why he acted like we were in a relationship? and he texted me once, after the breakup, that he missed me. what does it means?'' 

he knows you longer than me, years versus months. he knows you inside out, and all the dirty secrets and the skeletons you hid in the closet. he knows you so well.   so well, to tell you was serious with me or not.

my heart sank deeper and deeper hearing his alibis. it was all too obvious but i was blind. but that's not entirely my faults, why do you have to treat me like your girlfriend, why did you sent me that text msg, why we went on dates?

why you make me fall deeper when you have no intention to catch me? you let me crushed to pieces.

why do you have to be so mean?

or is it really my fault? did i missed the mark?

but, im glad things turned out like this, because it means one day i'll met someone better who will truly love me for who i am, someone i didnt have to say goodbye to.

i hope you'll find love, that all of the things mine couldnt be.

im the road not taken. But, let me live in your memories along with doubts and what ifs.


#2

After all those times we spent together,  i mean nothing to you.

i was so stupid to keep hoping that you will love me back one day, you never will. 

I miss you


Я скучаю по тебе , но ты мне не нужен. 

Habit

So, tell me, when did reading my blog become the habit of yours?

Transparent thought

Currently im reading this novel, it is a 500 pages novel, and im reading it painfully slow. It has been 3 days since i started and i can barely make it to one fifth of the book.

I am a slow reader to begin with because i need to imagine every sentence into a small scene in my head, but the writer make it harder for me to create this scene, because  the writing is sort of ambiguous, ugh im sure there is better adjective but I couldn't think of anything better than ambiguous , and lot of times, i need to recreate the previous scene so it will transition smoothly to the next scene, i bet u didnt get it dont you, because im a bad storyteller just like the writer of this novel, i cant help myself getting angry reading the novel but in the same time thinking about the same abnoxious feeling people get just to have to communicate with me.

Actually ive been told few times that im bad at communicating, one of my friend said I explaining stuff as if my thoughts are not transparent. I am unaware of this untill people pointed it out to me. And now i really make sure people can see my thought as clear as day.  This sounds ambiguous right, i know, i guess i will never settled with this thought of transparent thoughts.

Soundtrack.

This afternoon, after classes and lectures, i sat down for some what i called de-stressing time, watching random viral videos and what the internet had to offer, and then, i came across this video, i cant remember the visuals, because the audio distractions is too loud, or  you can solely blame on my disability to remember short term memory. i mean i need to be really focused to remember anything and lately im having hard time focusing on stuff. idk why, age may be the disposing factor, but i'm still too young to support the theory. anyway that is not what i want to write about int this post. i want to write about the soundtrack of the video that i watched. if i have to describe it, it was a pretty boring, common soundtrack featured in many happy ads. but why did i want to write about it anyways, because, have you ever had that moment in your life that you feel like, for some brief moments, you were in movie, yea, thats what i felt, i felt like for a second, i was in a movie and that soundtrack was playing in the background, so maybe u can guess what kind of movie it is, yes, a boring, common, ordinary but  happy not so happy movie. this, i think, depicted what i want my life to be. yea, my life right now is pretty much boring and mellow, but i want it to stay that way, i dont mind a boring life, i just want to be happy and content. 

Distraction.

I read the sentence, for the 5th times, it was a simple sentence but non of it get into my brain. My brain was busy - destroying me, i tried to distract myself from thinking stuff i dont want to; things that made me sad, but my brain decided to keep the disturbing memories on repeat. So, when i read the simple sentence, it sounds as foreign as all that i saw and heard is the memories i don't want to remember. The memories; is not as awful as you would think, but i am weak, even little things can get me good.


I know the posts in this blog  sounds melancholic, but i always get a little bit creative when im sad, so i guess that explains everything.

Mediums

I wish i can paint my story with words, but i figured out words is not my strong mediums. i used to convey my feelings through my drawings, but lately my feeling speaks more than it supposed to feel, that i cant translate it into drawing. 

Karma didn't forget

I want to tell you a story, but im not a good storyteller. About my friends whom i saw before my very eyes that karma are eating them alive. I used to hope for it to happen but it was ages ago, and time heals everything they say, now the flames are all gone, but karma didnt forget,  that they need a lesson, but im afraid they never learn, because now, they about to start another one. So, i learnt not to wish them another karma but i wish for their heart not to be blind and for their mind not to be clouded by the jealousy, im not a threat nor their enemy.  

The thought.

"My dad.." she continued, they are taking invisible turn to tell story about whats our parents like when skype -ing. "My dad before i could asked him anything, the fon would be at my mom" she laughed  wholeheartedly and we all too.

"My dad too" Another girl said.
"Mine too" and another,, everyone in the rooms seems  to agree- that dad hardly spoke with them, and its the  mom who is always on the phone.

"Not my dad" i heard a voice in my mind. Yes dad was different, he could chat with us all day long. And i would tell him how was snow, how cold it was surviving the winter season  and even, i would tell him about what I have learned in school. Perhaps. But nobody knows.

 I want to say it out loud, "not my dad" but i am afraid I will ruin the mood, also, i avoid telling people about my dad, because i dont want people to think i try to get their sympathy. So i kept quiet.

I kept quiet but in my mind, im busy thinking what its like, if he is still alive. Maybe i can join them then, excitedly telling whts my dads  like. Im not sad, i think i need to tell you that. The thought of my dad sometimes makes me sad, but not that day.

then, this girl came from the kitchen, she has lost both her prents, i knew she heard everything all along as the kitchen is connected with the room we're  sitting , but she also kept quiet. Listening to others' story and laugh along, i dont know whtas in her mind, did she feel sad? Did she also busy thinking like me?

May my dad and her parents rest in peace. 

My dad on his last days.

I love my dad.

and i am not the best daughter my dad deserved and it makes me wonder, what did he done wrong, to have a daughter like me.

I caused him so much trouble, since i was his little baby till i grew up being an emo teen. I always the difficult child in the family. He said it to me once - that im the difficult child.

"Am i not enough for you?" he asked me one day.
 oh what have i done.

i remembered on the night of the very last day of his life, that night before Allah take him forever, he called me.

"hello?" i heard his voice.
"hello,  why did you call?" i asked as worries rush down my veins because he never really calls if there wasn't anything wrong.
"nothing, how are you?" his answer washed down my worries.
"im good, you?''  my mind started to wonder what made him call me, but later did i know that was the last time i ever heard his voice.


On the last week of his life,  mom was admitted to hosp because of the reason i can't remember.
So that weekend, dad fetched me from tati and mom couldnt tag along as she was warded,  and it was the last father-daughter time i had with him, we have a good long conversations through out the 78miles journey.

I miss that moment.

Since i was a kid, apart from being the difficult one, i was the curious one, i asked a lots of thing, every single questions, although my dad maybe just an ambulance driver, he got all the answers for my questions, untill i grew up, the questions get tougher.

That weekend, we spent a lot of father-daughters times along with my youngest sister, i remembered vividly the places we went, dad took us to hardware store, i wouldn't called it hardware store as it sell everything you can think of, but it was, a hardware store, at least that was what written on the shop signage, i remembered buying this cheap pair of white socks with pink polka dots motif and only to realised it was mismatch on the way home, dad only laughed off my disappointment of the socks. that was the moment i realised our relationships are getting better.

im not a good daughter as my older sister. My sister always the obedient one, all the thing she did she always think about dad and mom first, always seeks their permission first. That is one of many reasons why i really look up to her.And to be honest, i secretly jealous of her relationships with dad.

And that last weekend we spent together, i remember,  i feel so content inside, because i can finally appreciating what i have taken for granted - my relationship with my dad.

The last weekend with him, dad took all of us siblings to our favourite restaurant by the beach for some tempuras, the restaurant was near the airport. On the way home, dad stopped on the roadside by the airport,  to just watch a flight take off .He shut off the engine, and got out from the car, my youngest sisters followed, i hate myself but i remember i being grumpy and just want to stay inside the car because i want to quickly go home for whatever stupid reason i cant recall, but later did  i know that was him "sending me" because when the actual time comes he   couldnt be there.

"Fini, look at that flight take off, when knis will be flying to russia, shes gona sit in there" i heard him talking to my youngest sister. My heart ached with regrets.

And to not have him on the day i flew and to be grumpy on the day that he "sent" me, it was just so hurtful.
And this memories flashes in my mind as i sat in the flight, getting ready to take off , i tried to hold up the tears, but when i look below i "saw" him waving on the roadside by the airport.

A week after, i dreamt of him, sending me to russia, he was in the airport, along with others.  i remembered not seeing him long , and i remembered i miss him,  he hugs me, tight, as i can tell he miss me too and that dream  i swear felt so real.

I remeberd on his last days,  he tried to give us everything we wanted, yes i noticed the first was the motorcycle, i told him that our hostel (in tati, during our preparation course) are so far from th campus, and  how i wish i can just ride a motorcycle, and that weekend when sending me back to tati, dad stop by his brother's place, he asked his brother to lend him the motorcycle for me, and he ride all the way from dungun to kemaman, and i remembered my older sister tearing up upon seeing my dad through the windows car.

Dad maybe not rich, but he make sure he did what he can for his children's happiness. My siblings and i very much aware that our parents cannot afford lots of thing, but being an ungrateful selfish difficult child, i rememberd asking to join a trip to gunung kinabalu, the fees was rm1000. for you it may be just a little sum but for us that is a lots, but dad still agreed as the trip fall on the same date as my birthday.
But then, one day, i remembrd watching tv with my dad, a show where they go and review nicest restaurants in thecity, and that episode happened to shoot in kuala kinabalu, the restaurant they went was fancy and explained the pricey food.

 " So, when you went to kk, i dont give you enough pocket money dont i?" my dad asked, i fall deep in my thought of partly blaming myself and partly trying not to, that moment i realised how selfish i was, for ever asking for th trip and for making my dad felt and think such way.

"no, you gave me just enough" i smiled, i love you dad, that maybe the best birthday present ever. i said, in my heart.

i remebered my days at tati, the starter of the smartphone era, my roommate had an ipad, that was the first ipad gen, she was really nice to let us play game and do stuff on her  ipad, i was really amazed on how smart and convenient ipad was at that time as so,that weekend when i came home, i decided to check the price on the website, rm 2000?

i didnt realised dad was looking from the back, "what are you looking for?"he asked.
i startled and  closed the browser, "no" i smiled, i know he cant afford it and i was matured enough to understand and not being as selfish as i was before.

When i know that was his last days, i solved the puzzle and realised my dad tried to fulfill our wishes before he go forever, at least allah give he chances,  he tried his best while he still got his time to make his children happy.


On that fateful day,
i noticed a miscalled from my mom, so i tried to call back but no one answer.
then, i called my dad, when he didnt pick up his phone, i just had an insticnt something wrong happened.

few minutes later, my uncle called me on the phone.

"hello knis, pack your things i pick u up in 30 mins'' he said.
"why?" i asked as my limbs starts to get cold, chills running down my spine.
''your dad accident... he passed away" i lost in my own world as every single memories with my dad start flashing before my eyes and tears streaming down my cheeks and i didnt realised when i started crying loudly on the floor.

i know he take half of my heart away with him.



                                                    *************************

Being a doctor was never my aspiration. But my dad is the reason why i chose this difficult career.


I still remember so clearly that one time, my family and i went out for a dinner at our favourite restaurant, dad take out his cigarette and pull his chair away from us. That was something he's so particular about, to never let his cigarette smoke reach our lungs. He light up the cigarette.

A month before,  he had an infarction and was diagnosed with heart disease. The doctor said he need to go under artery bypass surgery and to stop smoking. As a difficult child who also love his dad, i always, argue with my dad, about smoking, my sister didnt like it, she said i was being rude, maybe i was.

"Dad, you've been diagnosed with heart disease and still have the heart to smoke?" i blurt.

 and his answer that night was the reason  i didnt quit medschool.

" its okay, i will have my own personal doctor soon" he smiled and look at me. I can see hope in his eyes.

And everytime i feel so tired of med school, everytime i close my eyes to cry, i see the same hope in his eyes  and thats what keep me going.




ayah k.nis minta maaf, knis tau  knis banyak bebankan ayah, knis tau knis x berjaya jdi anak solehah, knis minta maaf. k.nis sayang ayah. 

Losing Someone.

What is the most hurtful way to lose someone you love?

which hurt the most, to lose them before you barely know them, or to lose them after years and years living with them?
I sympathised my friend who don't even get the chance to meet their parents, but when my dad leave me, after all this years, after all this memories, does this hurt more?

Which hurt the most, to lose someone all of sudden or to see them lying, counting days to end their life?
I saw both my grandpa's  lying on the bed of hospital counting days, being all gloomy and sad because they know they dont have that much time, but when my dad leave us just like that, it  does hurt more.

it kills me every time, memories of my late dad start flashing in my mind.

Im trying to be the best possible daughter ever, and i know im failing, but i will never give up, i will be that daughter that youre proud of one fine day.

May you rest in peace in heaven.

1963 - 2012.

Al-fatihah.